Support for Vaginal Narcolepsy

Narcolepsia Vaginalis is a baffling psychosomatic condition in which an otherwise alert and well-meaning male falls into an uncontrollable slumber the moment his face enters into close proximity to the female pelvic zone during acts of oral intimacy. This syndrome presents as both a tragic medical mystery and an oddly convenient excuse.

Originally reported in the Kootenays (Trail, BC) in the 1990’s following a failed attempt at sensual exploration after four Kokanees and a chili dog. The man was found asleep with his face nestled gently on his partner’s inner thigh, muttering something about “just resting his eyes.”

By 1997, several cases had been unofficially logged at local hot springs, folk festivals, and one highly controversial artisan bakery retreat in Nelson.

Today, the Kootenays remain both a hotbed for progressive wellness and, tragically, a high-risk zone for VN flare-ups.

• Sudden deep sleep when within 15 cm of a vagina
• Snoring during foreplay
• Waking up unsure if anything "happened"
• Losing dates to people who can "stay awake"
• Sudden and profound drowsiness during pre-game activity
• Gentle snoring mid-lick
• Drool-inducing, loss of suction
• Face-sliding into uncharted territory
• Nightmares involving gynecological textbooks

• Overactive parasympathetic response
• Prolonged exposure to Barry White
• Unsynchronized pelvic chakras
• Kokanee beer + scented candles
• Deep-seated emotional reactions to 90s slow jams

NV is typically self-diagnosed after three or more episodes of post-coital napping that require a gentle poke or emergency espresso. A formal diagnosis may include:

• Observation by a certified partner
• Sleep study conducted by a bored gynecologist
• Submission of a dream journal for peer review

There is no known cure, but many patients find relief through:

• Strategic use of cold spoons
• Soundtrack changes (avoid Enya)
• Pre-emptive Red Bull enemas (not medically recommended)
• Mutual napping agreements
• Long-distance relationships
• Motivational talks delivered by partner

Excellent. Most individuals live full, sleepy lives with proper management and a supportive, understanding partner (ideally one who enjoys puzzles or Xbox while waiting).

Note:
Vaginal Narcolepsy is not to be confused with Insomnia Clitorius, a similarly fictional condition involving prolonged wakefulness and Spotify playlist abuse.

No. But we are accepting research grants, pharmaceutical sponsorships, and Netflix documentary deals.

At VNA, we’re committed to creating a safe, supportive, and sleepy-friendly environment for all. Whether you're a narcoleptic lover or their bewildered partner, these are the ground rules:

Falling asleep mid-intimacy is a condition, not a character flaw. Judgment naps elsewhere.

We laugh with each other, not at each other—unless it was really, really funny. Then we do both.

If someone nods off during a group share, we don’t take it personally. Unless it’s your third time this meeting, Carl.

We value privacy, but we also value outrageous stories. Share responsibly.

Unless there’s fire, coffee, or a very persuasive playlist involved.

We're here to normalize the bizarre. If you’ve drooled on someone’s thigh mid-session, you’re one of us.

You never know when a relapse will hit. Be prepared, be cozy.